Bloody miserable

I'm so tired and so nauseous and experiencing a kind of lonliness I've never felt before. I hate being single, I hate sleeping alone. I'm in this incredibly strange, new place and I'm all alone. I just keep thinking how beautiful this could be, if I wasn't alone. It's the intimacy of it all, sharing my body, the changes I'm going through, that's what is so hard to do alone. I'm so lucky with the friends I have and I am lucky to be in a position to have this baby. My boss today encouraged me to go for the promotion despite being pregnant, she's a star. Really it's all good, but it's not easy.

I think about all the things that now won't be possible;
I won't be having a perfect, uncomplicated family with a nice husband.
I can only afford to stay at home for a few months, not the couple of years that I'd like.
Which means having to put my tiny baby into childcare and give him bottles so I can work.
And taking a baby on the tram to Bundoora will be tricky.
I'm going to have to have a lodger to help pay my mortgage.
If I do have a nice husband he will not be the father of my baby.
If I want my baby to not be an only child I won't be able to have a matching pair.
If my husband wants babies he will feel differently about this baby.

And I have to decide on names and schools and circumscision and all those sorts of thing by myself, and I'll have nobody to share the blame when my resentful teenager complains about it!

I know the baby feels what I feel, so I'm trying to be calm and happy, but somedays it is just not that easy.